Picture That's Been Reposted To My Dismay

Okay, can we talk about this image that I've seen all over the Facebooks and Tumblrs this last week or so?

Before going any further, just know that this isn't some anti-feminist screed or something. I save that for audio broadcasts. I just have a dislike for this kind of thing because I think it's trying to make a point, but upon further investigation it's kind of silly.

A few things about this that I think need to be acknowledged:

1. First off, if we're reconciling body issues here, let's not do so by attacking the bodies of others. That's pretty counter-productive. It may feel empowering to point out that the skinniness of the women on the top row is repulsive and unnatural, but really making anyone feel repulsive and unnatural is not doing a whole lot to address a problem. That's what brought us here in the first place.

2. Because I've heard it many times, I do have to break everyone's hearts by reminding us all that the good ol days were not as good as we like to think, no matter how much you are enjoying Mad Men. The old rumor that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14? Not really true. Sorry, it's just not true. That's not to say that a size 14 can't be stunning and sexy, but let's not hold up someone who is NOT a size 14 to make that point. Not to mention the fact that fighting to expand the range of acceptable sizes is an asinine pursuit as these sizes have no connection to any sort of reality whatsoever. Guess what? I just invented Derk size. It's whatever the label says, and then you just say it's 6. So in Derk size, everyone is a 6. That is equally logical, which tells you how fucked up this sizing stuff is.

3. I think we can all agree that the women on the top row have some shit going on. The bottom row? Represented, we have schizophrenia, one woman who was married 8 times, an overdose death, and loads of other issues that are more conveniently hidden. Invisible problems are still problems, people. So let's not get too excited about making lifestyle changes or wondering where all the heroes have gone.

4. Okay, there's a pretty wide spectrum of body types here. While I don't endorse putting one's body through a lot of bullshit to please someone else, there is someone in the world who is attracted to every single one of the eight photos on that image, plus a whole hell of a lot of other ones. As much as it's wrong to place beauty expectations on someone, it's also wrong to condemn someone for what they are attracted to (assuming consenting adults). I don't think most people really get to choose that, yet we give people shit for it all the time. It's wrong to hate someone or think less of them because they have a preference.

5. Are we really comparing the 4 women on the bottom, legendary beauties of their time, and saying that the 4 on the top row will occupy that same cultural space? Because although I don't want to dismiss anyone's beauty here, I don't think that the 4 on top will be the first four names to cross most peoples' minds in 2060.

6. Does this comparison even matter if we consider that we're comparing one impossible standard of beauty against another? Is it easier going through the day now that you know you merely have to be as hot as Marilyn fucking Monroe?

7. How about we have a look at some comments from web site where this picture was posted:

i prefer handles

I'll take a "normal" woman over Skeletor any day.

Sir Mix A Lot said it best, Little in the middle but she got much back.

I'll take the bottom row over the upper row. I've always found that if they are too boney, I get hurt.

Well, wasn't THAT enlightening. I'm not sure I can speculate on what exactly the point of the above image is, but I have to say, I'm almost certain it was not to elicit these reactions.




All I'm saying: Let's stop with this stuff. If you talk to people who make you feel bad about yourself, fuck 'em. You need to find new friends.

I mean, what are you going to do? Print this out, fold it up and put it in your wallet? And then you can pull it out and, what, guilt someone into changing the standard of beauty?

If someone doesn't think you're hot, quit trying to change his or her mind. Your time is better spent just about anywhere else, with just about anywhere else.

In the meantime I'll do my part. If I find myself faced with the decision to have sex with four of eight hot Hollywood women, I'll try and make the best of it.

Sentient

01/20/2012

This is either the day Goodreads became sentient and started responding with emotion as opposed to search results alone:

OR it is the day Pete begins the long process of acknowledging the depths of loneliness required to make you see friends in a book database mated with social networking.

Pete's Smartphone

I decided to buy a smartphone.

Partially it was because of a latenight bar discussion regarding whether or not Joesph Gordon-Leavitt was Cobra Commander in the GI Joe movie (he was, for some reason).

Partially it was because I discovered that I could get a plan that would include free data for $10 less than I was currently paying monthly.

After getting it home, I had it for about a day, fiddling around, looking like a grandfather trying to answer a cordless for the first time and looking wide-eyed and frightened when picking it up didn't do the job.

I am proud to say that I used the Navigation feature, the browser, the Twitter and Facebook apps, and the gmail connection before checking out how it works for pornography.

I would rate it as nearly seamless. Which is the opposite of the anatomy of the people I like to watch in the videos.

That was dirty. But fuck off. This is called "Digitally Stimulated" which is fairly vulgar to begin with.

My question for those with smartphones, iPads and the like, is how are you holding this and masturbating? Surely it's on some kind of a stand. What are you using? How is it working for you? Is the masturbation thing why they have all these covers and cases? Why was the ease of this use not profiled when I hit the "compare phone" button on cnet?

Answers are very much appreciated.

Long live technology.

FINISH HIM!

The other day I stayed up far too late watching Mortal Kombat finishing moves.

I know. I'm sorry.

When I was a kid, these were the most exciting video game innovation I'd ever seen. Let me say again: Freezing a man and then breaking him into pieces was the most exciting video game innovation I'd ever seen.

Cut me some slack. We didn't have the Power Glove.

Watching through them again, I have to say there were some that were pretty disappointing, even then. ESPECIALLY in Mortal Kombat III. Take a ride with me through some terrible Mortal Kombat finishing moves.



I always hated Stryker. Not to be confused with the Loveline host. Him I REALLY fucking hated. This whole thing makes no sense. I mean, with today's political climate, I can see it. But in 1997 or so? Plus, the frying someone by taser followed by firing a GUN into the air in celebration is really making my point for me.


(the first one in this video)

After you finish crushing this Native American man to death, remember to thank Felix the Cat for the use of his bag, which can store infinitely large items in a very uninfinitely-sized space.



For whatever reason, it was important to explode people in MKIII. Not enough to impale, then you have to somehow...shake someone to the point of skin melting off, followed by explosion?




Okay, okay, okay. I know that part of the MK suspension of disbelief is not asking the question "If you could finish him like that, why not just do that in the first place?" But never has a finishing move begged the question more. You could be a giant this whole time? What the fuck? Shouldn't you be involved in some separate, giants-only tournament?

It's also a consistent problem with fighting games that the fighters are never weight-classed or anything like that. How Dahlsim ended up fighting E.Honda I will never grasp.



This one bugs the shit out of me from a purely graphic standpoint. If both characters are on a plane, and one comes down on top of the other like a rotating saw blade, how does he then go in front of the foreground at the same time? I call bullshit. If you have a headsaw that can liquify a man, how about you just keep on going through the floor?


(the first one here)

I liked being Kabal. Finally, a guy with the sense to bring weapons. Why the fuck not? Everyone can throw fireballs all around, this other guy has metal arms, but nobody is bringing weapons? This finisher, though...I guess I'm to understand that his mask is feeding him helium? Although that would explain why the scream from finisher two is so high-pitched...



Whaaa....?

I don't know whose idea this was, but I suspect that "Toasty" asshole.