Things That Wreck Video Games to Shit: Looking for the Damn Yellow Key

You found the blue key, the red key, and you've killed every single thing that moves, blown up every barrel of toxic/explosive waste, and pushed space bar while facing a wall and heard that oddly sexual grunting noise as the character tries to open a brick wall.

And you still can't find the goddamn yellow key.

Here's the thing, when you spend 20 minutes on one level of a shooter like Doom and others, 15 of those minutes will be spent walking around, shooting nothing, listening to the music that you never really noticed before and now hate like poison.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I play shooters to shoot. That's why they're called first-person-shooters and not first-person-key retrievers.

And how long is this reality supposed to hold up? Isn't this supposed to be some kind of working military facility? How did people get around here before? Did they all just get to work, go to a keyboard and type in "idclip" and hope that they never tried to walk through an outside wall because then you were lost in a really graphically annoying limbo?

There should be a code you type in where after not shooting your weapon for 20 minutes, a text pops up on the screen that says, "Oh, wait. You just found the yellow key in your OTHER pocket" and then the goddamn thing shows up on your inventory.

Drinkify

So it's almost certainly just a way for people to nail down demographics (you know, I type in "Drive-By Truckers" and then "Lucero" and then "Gaslight Anthem" and that data all goes into some insane database) but it's still pretty fun. Type in your favorite band name and see what you're supposed to be drinking.

Some of my results:

Lucero: 8 oz Maker's Mark, 8 oz Ice cream, Combine in highball glass, stir. (I'm not really an ice cream guy. Is this a thing?)

Drive-By-Truckers: 12 oz Whiskey, 12 oz Monster Energy Drink (actually, this isn't too far from what I had last time I saw them: 3 back-to-back-to-back whiskey shots, then slam a cup of coffee. I'm told the show was pretty fun)

Jason Isbell: 4 oz Southern Comfort, garnish w/ cucumber slice (the Southern Comfort part makes sense. If I were dating Jason Isbell, that would definitely be my nickname for him. But I don't know why garnishing with a cucumber is necessary. EVER.)

Bon Iver: 1 bottle red wine, serve w/ a twist of grapefruit (red wine is kind of lame, but an entire bottle is worth an attaboy)

The Hold Steady: 1 PBR, serve cold (hmm, okay. Although they DO have an entire song about whiskey, citrus, and ginger.)

The National: 1 PBR, serve cold (hey, something's up here...)

R.E.M.: 1 PBR, serve cold (oh, goddamn it! Okay, I know how to fix this)

Lynyrd Skynyrd: 1 oz Canadian Club, 1 oz coffee (alright then)

Finally, I'm seeing Centro-Matic tomorrow...

Centro-Matic: 4 oz whiskey, 4 oz half-and-half, 6 oz Rose's Lime Juice (good lord. Between the sweet and the milk, and to a lesser extent the whiskey, this is going to be like being a baby again)

We've learned an important lesson today. Apparently, I'm allowed to drink PBR, whiskey, and whiskey combined with stimulants. I AM allowed to drink red wine, however it has to be an entire bottle of red wine.

Anyway, see what you find out about yourself www.drinkify.org

Slydial

Maybe I'm the only one who didn't know about this already.

All you have to do is dial 267-slydial (this is normally the place where people put the corresponding numbers, but c'mon. I think we've got this figured out by now, and doesn't it kind of defeat the point when you get this awesome number and then have to use the regular number anyway?) and it will bypass the ringer on your "friend's" phone and take you straight to voicemail. If you don't know why that's awesome, your life must be much better than most.

http://slydial.com/